It’s Been Too Long

It has been a while since I have posted on this site. I’m not sure why that is. I could say that it is because I am busy. I am. I could say that it’s because I am too mad to say anything, but that is what blogs are for. In the long run, it doesn’t really matter, except that have some kind of the duty to the very few readers of this blog.

I’ve applied for bariatric surgery – the lap band. Lo and behold my insurance will not approve. I have to go through a physician-monitored weight loss program first. That is reasonable, but my insurance has a one year requirement. I think that is to discourage folks from going through the process.

I’ve applied for the weight loss program and my insurance won’t approve it either. They had to have special documentation from my physician first. I guess the whole fat and diabetic thing just wasn’t good enough. Fine. My doc was Johnny on the Spot with her end of the paperwork. The insurance company is dragging its feet on this too.

I called today and got approval for six of the 12 month required by the insurance company. Now I am ready to go through the New Images program (physician-monitored weight loss program). Good for me. I had hoped to be able to get the surgery in December. Looks like it will be closer to next December before I can get it. Such is life.

In other news, I bought two packages of Fig Newtons (whole wheat) while my wife was out of town last week. I ate one package and left one. Pretty good for me. The extra package has disappeared. The wife hid them. She reports that she will ration them out to me one serving at a time. Better than nothing.

24 Fig Newtons and 8 Biscuits Later

I mailed my bariatric surgery packet out yesterday. It was quite a bit of information to put down. They asked for all types of information, especially the number of diets I’ve been on in the past, weight lost, weight gained, and a two-day food diary. Now it’s just a matter of time before the surgeon’s office calls and schedules my first appointment.

Filling out the paper work isn’t so much fun, but it was a good exercise. I learned that there is another food that I just can’t have around the house, even if they are the whole wheat variety: Fig Newtons. I was fooling myself, thinking that because I was buying the whole wheat kind, that they were healthy. Healthier – maybe – but still not something that I need to eat. In that two-day period where I had to record my food intake, I had 24 of the little devils and seeing how they have sugar, I can not imagine that my doctor would approve. The nutritionist and behavior therapist at the bariatic clinic will not care for the fact that I also ate four biscuits for breakfast. I do not do well when I am home alone for Spring Break. It’s better not to have some things around during those times. I told my wife that my days of Fig Newtons are done and asked her to be sure and not buy them when she goes to the store. I won’t either. I will not tell you what else I ate, but I will say that it could have been much better.

The Results of the Bariatric Surgery Seminar

It has begun. I am on the road toward bariatric surgery, which will assist me in reducing or eliminating many of the complications that I have incurred as a result of my weight: diabetes, sleep apnea, high blood pressure, and cholesterol. I’m tired of watching my body and health deteriorate because of my life-long problems with food. Despite the fact that I have tried to lose weight since I was a child, those attempts have resulted in short-term weight loss and long-term weight gain every time. I feel hungry and I shamefully feel powerless against the pangs to gorge.

On Saturday the surgeon held a bariatric surgery seminar, which is the first step in the process. He presented the information on both the gastric bypass surgery (called Roux-en-Y) and the lap band surgery. Both, according to Christopher Edwards, M.D. are good surgeries with excellent results. The lap band, however, is quickly becoming the surgery of choice because of the lower rate of complications and the ability to adjust the restriction of food. I am going to summarize my understanding of the information presented at the seminar to give a better understanding of why I am choosing one procedure over the other.

ROUX-EN-Y VERSUS LAP BAND

ROUX-EN-Y (Gastric Bypass)
Weight Loss: Slightly Higher and faster
Complications: More
Risks: Higher
Procedure: Laparoscopic but more invasive
Hospital Stay: Day or Two
Deficiency: Calcium, B12 and Protein
Adjustable/Reversible: No
Dumping: Yes
Pros: Higher weight gain and more long-term studies.
Cons: There are more complications, side effects and it is not reversible or adjustable. With gastric bypass, you can stretch out the egg-sized pouch and then you taken in more calories than you should. This is common after several years so the patient must be diligent in sticking to the strict dietary requirements or the weight may come back.

LAP BAND
Weight Loss: Slightly Less (55-62 percent) and slower
Complications: Less
Risks: Lower
Procedure: Laparoscopic and less invasive
Hospital Stay: Outpatient
Deficiency: Protein. Must take a multi-vitamin
Adjustable/Reversible: Yes
Dumping: No
Pros: It is reversible and adjustable. The surgery is less invasive and there are fewer side effects and complications. The egg-shaped pouch tends not to get stretched because with lap band, when you eat too much, then your body tends to vomit it back up rather than overstretching the pouch. Your stomach and intestines are not surgically altered for life.
Cons: There is slightly less weight loss associated with the band. Too much vomiting can cause band slippage requiring a surgical procedure.



DIETARY REQUIREMENTS
Calories Per Day (up to six months): 600 calories per day
Calories Per day (6 months-life): 1,000-1,500 calories per day
There are strict dietary requirements in the weeks and months after the surgery. I don’t know those details, but I will be presenting them when I find out. I do know that the diet consists of higher intakes of protein.

HOW DOES LAP BAND WORK?

A silicone band is placed around the top of the stomach, creating two stomach pouches. The pouch at the top is about the size of an egg and the opening into the larger pouch is about the size of a dime. When the person eats, the food sits in the pouch. This does two things. First, it fills the pouch and then the pouch sends signals to the brain that the stomach is completely full. Patients report that they feel full. The second thing this does is allows the food to sit in the small pouch and trickle into the larger portion of the stomach. By doing so, a person’s feelings of being full last longer. The rest of the body digests and works as it always has. There is no poor absorption of vitamins and nutrients (as with gastric bypass). There is just a restriction of food.

The band itself, when around the stomach, does not restrict food. The lap band has a cord attached to a port. The port is located under the skin on your left side. The surgeon sticks a needle into the skin and port and fills it with saline. This blows up a balloon on the inside of the band and causes the restriction. This can be adjusted as needed throughout the patient’s life.



IF YOU STILL EAT LESS, WHY DON’T YOU JUST DIET AND EXERCISE?
That is a good question and one that I have asked myself. Why do I need surgery? Why don’t I just hire a personal trainer and eat more healthy foods and smaller amounts. That is the natural way. I can’t argue with that logic. I can just tell you that I have tried that with no long-term success. My hunger eventually overtakes me and I am right back where I was, or worse, I end up heavier.

The way the lap band works is to trick your body into feeling full on only a small amount of food. True, a person will lose some weight by eating less, but as the question above states, it is more than that. The surgery does not fix a sedentary lifestyle nor does it replace proper nutrition and exercise. The surgery is not it. The entire process requires a change of thought and attitude – of lifestyle – in order to achieve real success. That is the hard part and it involves will power and determination just like a typical diet. The difference is that the person feels full after lap band surgery and does not have to deal with always feeling hungry.



ISSUES RESOLVED WITH BARIATRIC SURGERY
The following numbers from my surgeon’s presentation, are the numbers of people who report they no longer have issues with the condition.

• Type 2 Diabetes: 95%
• Hypertension: 92%
• Cardiac Function: 95%
• Sleep Apnea: 75%
• Stress Incontinence: 87%
• GERD 98%
• Cholesterol 97%

PSYCHOLOGICAL SIDE EFFECTS FROM BARIATRIC SURGERY
(This piece of information has come from Internet sources and from the presentation)
Bariatric surgery is not all good. There are issues that come up after these procedures. Psychological factors arise that people do not realize or are not ready for. Cases of divorce and suicide have occurred as a result of the surgery. Divorce can happen for several reasons. The patient may lose weight and start getting attention from interested parties that they are not used to. This can lead to adultery. If both spouses are overweight and only one gets the surgery, then there can be jealousy on the part of the one who is not losing weight. If a marriage was rocky to begin with, then the weight loss will not fix the martial problems and can increase them.

There have also been cases where people have been unable to deal with their new body. Their friends and family may treat them differently, they may get divorced and they may feel all alone, leading them to suicide. These issues cannot be dismissed out of hand, but must be considered carefully.

The surgeon stressed that family supports are the most important factor in this process. The surgery, he said, is very easy. The hard part comes afterwards and a person must be in a supportive family unit in order to see success and be healthy and happy afterwards. In my case, my wife and I have a remarkable, loving and trusting relationship. We are not cheaters, either one, and neither of us are jealous. I don’t think these will be issues for us, but they are things to consider.


FAMILY SUPPORT
Besides my wife and daughter, my parents are supportive of this decision. My friends and I have only talked briefly, but I think they too will be supportive. There is a difference between support and concern. My wife and parents are especially concerned about the surgery and the after affects. They are scared that I will die, have complications, or that everything will change. I know my wife is struggling (I write this with her permission) with the fact that I will be a new person. I will have a new body, a new degree, and a new job. She is scared that she will be with a completely new guy. She also worried that the new me will not like the old her. She is also slightly overweight and she worries that I will not be attracted to her any longer. It is a fair concern and I would expect anyone to be fearful. Change is very scary. My role in all of this is to reassure her that my physical change does not affect my emotional connection with her. She is my soul mate and I love her very much. She loves me fat or skinny and I love her fat or skinny.

My family will need outside support and they will need support from me. I will have to remember that this is a hard process for them as well and that I am not the only one struggling. And this will be a struggle. The surgeon made no bones about the fact that this is hard. The surgery does not make this easy. A quick Google search will tell you that. The surgery is the easy part. It is after the surgery that the work begins.



THE LAP BAND CHOICE
I am choosing the lap band for several reasons. The sense of feeling full on an amount the size of an egg is probably the most appealing to me. The fact that it is less invasive, adjustable and reversible appeals to me. Not that I want it reversed. I don’t. Let’s say a patient with the lap band, God forbid, gets cancer. The person will need to be able to get more nutrients during chemotherapy. During an office visit, the surgeon takes out saline so you can intake more food. It takes all of five minutes in the office. Same thing for a woman who has a lap band and then gets pregnant. The surgery is done under general anesthesia but it is outpatient surgery. Most people go home that day.



NOW WHAT?
There is a strict procedure and requirements to follow in order to be considered for bariatric surgery. Because of my weight and other issues I am eligible for the surgery. Now I must go through the process, which is as follows:

1. Attend the bariatric surgery seminar
2. Fill out the paperwork
3. Office visit with the surgeon
4. Office visit with the nurse coordinator
5. Nutritional evaluation
6. Behavioral therapy evaluation
7. Psychological evaluation
8. Rehab exercise evaluation
9. Submit request to the insurance company
10. Schedule surgery

DISCLAIMER
I am not a member of any medical field – not a doctor, nurse or anything else. The information presented here should not be used to for any kind of medical decision. It is presented here strictly to help my family and friends understand my decision and help give them an idea of what is going on, why I choose the lap band over the Roux-En-Y, and to help them make sense of what is going on with me. Always consult a physician and don’t quote me.

Insulin Makes for One Hungry Jack

My doctor warned me that moving to insulin might make me hungrier. That is an unfortunate side effect. That is just so crazy. Most folks on insulin are overweight to begin with. Not all diabetics are fat, mind you, but many are. So you don’t lose weight and your diabetes progresses to the point that you have to supplement your oral medications with insulin or you have to go to insulin altogether. It makes you feel very hungry so you eat more, gain weight and require more insulin. It is insanity I tell you. Insanity.

So not only do I have problems with overeating, but now I have a medication that makes me hungrier. What the Hell am I supposed to do about that? Well, I’ve already talked about what I am planning on doing, but it sucks that the meds I need to take make me more unhealthy.

And He's Off …

The wheels are turning toward the weight loss surgery. I called the surgeon today, as promised, and registered for the bariatric surgery informational seminar. It’s this week, which is faster than I anticipated. It works out well though. We were planning on going out of town this weekend to see my parents. My sister et al from Tulsa were coming to the parental nest this weekend and we were going to join them. Still will, but we will be a bit later than expected. It will give us time to talk with my family about this.

Fortunately for me, my family – wife, mother, father, sister, and brother-in-law – are supportive of me seriously considering this option. Not pushing and not pulling, they are encouraging me to seek out as much information as possible and find routes that will help me lose weight in a positive. They aren’t too keen on burying me within the next 10 years. Me neither as far as that goes. My family has reservations too. They are nervous about the surgery and the side effects or complications that can arise. Me too. I think my wife is probably the most nervous and the most supportive all at one time. I think she will need her own set of support, as this will affect her just as much as it affects me. She will, after all, have to life with me after all of this is over. She needs all the good thoughts, positive energy and prayers that she can get to put up with me.

After my Saturday educational seminar, I can go to my parents’ home and talk with everyone about what I have learned. I think I’ve pretty much made my mind up already. I say “pretty much” but in my head I know this is what I want – have – to do. So it’s merely a procedural thing for me to go to the seminar. I am ready to make the plunge.

Damn Those Girl Scouts!

My daughter joined Girl Scouts this year and she is excited to get her first badge for selling cookies. She had to sell 50 boxes to get the badge and she met her goal, which is very exciting for her. It’s just murder for me though. BIG men and Girl Scout cookies don’t go well together. My wife was smart and hid them from me. I get one serving per day, which works out to four Think Mints (which are the best), two Lemonades, or two Peanut Butter Patties (both of which are quality cookies).

Everywhere I go I have reminders of Girl Scout cookies: church, home, my daughter’s school – they are everywhere, permeating my brain and begging me to eat them. Truth be told I shouldn’t be eating any of them, but I can justify one serving per day. If I had my druthers, I would not have any in the house at all. It’s just easier that way, but I have to support my daughter. Supporting her does not equate into my eating cookies, but I just can’t stay out of them. So we compromise with one serving per day. Since I don’t know where they are, then it works out okay. I have managed not to search the house for them.

And what of the hypocrisy of this post in conjunction with the preceding one? All I can say is that I am a messed up dude and I need some serious help and soon.

It's Time To Get Off The Pot

Come Monday I am going to initiate the bariatric surgery process. My diabetes is increasingly progressing and because of that my doctor started me on a one-daily insulin shot. That didn’t come as a shock exactly, but it was a powerful shot to the emotions. To move from oral medications to the dreaded I-word, the shot … insulin … is a big deal. It just sends a reality signal that diabetes is a progressive diagnosis and something must be done.

My friend Paul, who does not know about my insulin yet, called me this weekend right after I got my new prescription. He wants us to start a drastic workout regimen where we train for and run in a half marathon by November. I am 320 pounds and have never ran. I hate running, actually. So this is a big change. He used to run, but is now a BIG guy like me. This whole running business is not necessarily a bad idea in theory, but I’m not sure that running is the thing that we should be doing. It’s hard on the body -- the knees, the back – and as heavy as he and I both are, I just don’t see that as a viable option.

I hurt my ribs about a year ago in Karate and they haven’t healed back yet. Diabetics heal slower than other people. Running will surely aggravate that problem much more. I’m just now getting those pesky ribs to quit hurting as much as they used to and I don’t need any setbacks. Paul is pushing me pretty hard to get on board with this running scheme, his word not mine. Maybe in time, but right now it does not seem like such a good idea. I can’t even walk the treadmill right now with my ribs the way they are. I don’t really know how I can start running.

With the introduction of insulin injections, I have come to realize that my methods, such as they are, are not working. I can’t see the light and I don’t know what else to do. Tomorrow I am calling the surgery clinic and starting the application process. I sign up to attend the informational seminar and learn more about bariatric surgery: gastric bypass and the lap band. My cousin just had gastric bypass. She felt it a better route than the lap band. I am leaning the other way right now. The lap band is less invasive and is also reversible, making it a much more appealing alternative for me.

I’m pretty serious about this now. I am convinced that I need a radical intervention in my life and bariatric surgery seems the only way out. I have been considering this for a long time – maybe a year or so. I have gone back and forth about the surgery, wondering if I needed something this drastic. My mind is made now. I know what I need. I just need to go through the process and find a way to pay for it, be that insurance or private pay. I have decided to go through with this even if my insurance doesn’t pay for it. It’s got to be done and I am ready to make the move.

It's Always A Fight

I'm not sure what is going on. My latest A1C was too high: 7.5. That is really high for me, as I typically run in the 6.0 to 6.5 range. My daily blood sugars are running around 200-220. My diet hasn't changed and I have lost 7 pounds, so it doesn't make sense. But one thing is for sure, I have to fix something soon. I am healing a karate injury to my rib, which has been getting worse for a year and a half. It defies traditional medical practioners. They can't seem to figure out what it is, even after seeing several different types of specialists.

I went to see a Chiropractor and he seems to think he can fix it. He's been giving me acupuncture and back adjustments and prescribes some therapies at home (rest and ice). It's too early to tell how much that is helping. I think it is, but I cannot discount the placebo effect. Time will tell. I know I want to fix it so I can get back on the treadmill and bicycle.

It's always a fight, weight loss and blood sugars. They go hand-in-hand, I know. I'm just not sure why my bloodsugars have gone up. I hope to figure it out and get that under control soon.

How To Host A Real Party

The Academy Awards went great last night. We had a nice dinner in the kitchen while we talked and filled out our Oscar ballots. Then we moved into the living room to watch the festivities, leaving the food in the other room. I wasn’t tempted much by the food as it was in the other room and I had my fill of quesadillas, veggies, fruit and angel food cake. No one seemed to mind the all vegetarian food, which was a healthy choice. I didn’t spend my evening in the kitchen working on food that doesn’t matter. I spent it with my friends.

That’s how a party should be. Not an affair that focuses on the food, but one that makes use of the friendships. The food does not add to the bonds; they do nothing to make the party better. All fancy food does is add to the expense of the party. We had fun, my friends and I, and we didn’t need food to boost anything. We spent time together laughing, discussing movies and watching YouTube videos and movie trailers during the commercials. I wish more parties could be like that.

More Nasty Names for Fat Folks

My dedicated four readers will know that I am keeping a running list of names that fat people get called. Considered by some to be demeaning, it is more of a twisted yet cathartic way for me to deal with my weight issues in a healthy way. My friend, Heavy P, was called these the other day and passed them along to me.

• Flabulous
• Count Fatula

The Academy Award Party

My wife and I love the Academy Awards and we have hosted an Oscar party for many years. With parties also comes food issues and I’ve been giving that a lot of thought: what to serve, how much, desserts, and the like.

I finally settled on vegetarian quesadillas. Two of our friends who are coming are vegetarians, so I always make sure, if I am serving meat, to include vegetarian substitutes of some sort. But that adds more food to the party and I want to keep things simple and stay focused on the Oscars rather than the food. So it’s an all vegetarian menu this year:

• Quesadillas (onions, peppers, beans, cheese and whole wheat tortillas)
• Homemade Guacamole
• Spanish Rice
• Fresh veggies
• Fresh fruit
• Angel Food cake
• Hot herbal teas

It’s not very elegant I suppose, but the more elegance, the more I have to focus on the food and that should not be the point of a party. Typically my friends will bring food to the party, but I have told them that there is no need. First, I want to make it easy for them, but I also have an ulterior motive: I want to ensure that no unhealthy foods get in the mix, especially dessert. Parties can be very difficult for the food addict, so I am making this one as fun and fat free as possible.

I Have More to Celebrate Than I Thought

Sorry for the lack of posts lately. I think I’ve been afraid to admit in public, and in private, my feelings lately. I’ve not been feeling particularly good about my weight lately; that is, I haven’t felt like I was accomplishing what I was setting out to do. I have been eating out more lately and not really making healthy choices. I have lots of things that have contributed to that, but in reality what has happened as I have let life control me and my eating habits. So I am trying to focus on getting back on track.

Incidentally, I lost seven pounds. I don’t keep track of my weight, but when I visited the doctor the other day, the nurse told me I lost seven pounds. So I might as well celebrate the good news. I wasn’t that surprise. I tried on a pair of dress slacks the other day and I could not keep them up. They were too loose in the waist, which is my preferred litmus test as to weight loss. I’ll try to do better on my posts.

Spare the Rod

She spanked my wife … 3 times, and I am not too happy about it. Yet somehow it doesn’t surprise me that she would do it.

Aunt Bessie was very upset about Christmas. Most of us spent our time in her den with the kids. We played cards, had fun with the kids and talked. What we didn’t do is gorge on the food in the kitchen. The food, that is, that was not supposed to be there per a promise offered a few week prior. The food isn’t the point of this blog entry. It’s related, indirectly, but it’s merely a plot element to get us to the goal.

When Aunt Bessie brought food into den to tempt me, and I repeatedly refused, my wife finally spoke up telling her that I didn’t need the food. At which point Aunt Bessie shooed her, like a fly from a pie. That is, she swung her hand in my wife’s direction. Aunt Bessie doesn’t like strong women. She believes that women are supposed to be silent. That is, unless they are her. She’s earned the right to speak up because she raised two boys alone, after her husband died. That qualifies her to degrade and punish at will. If I had to guess, I would say that Aunt Bessie does not really believe herself to be a woman, but a man without the dirty digit.

A little while later, Aunt Bessie caught my wife alone in the den, after we all moved to the living room to open gifts. She came up behind my wife and surprised her with three firm swats to the behind: clearly meant as a punishment, for speaking out of turn. My wife is a woman and isn’t blood and she ought, in Aunt Bessie’s mind, to keep quiet. Aunt Bessie’s never said that about my wife outright, but she’s made those types of comments all her life regarding women and non-blood relatives. She is fond of the phrase, “They are not blood.”

A few weeks after this incident, we went out to eat with Aunt Bessie. I don’t know why. I don’t think she deserves it. Anyway, she offered me cookies again. She had baked some and wanted to know if I wanted them. I asked her why she would offer me those, knowing they are bad for me. Her response was simple:

“I’ll never give up.”

Aunt Bessie sees it as her pre-ordained right to dole out judgment and punishment to those around her. She sees us, all of us, as children who need to be disciplined and guided by her. To some extent she believes she is the great principal of our family elementary school.

I am even reconsidering the amount of time that I spend with her. I am angry with her. Angry that she spanked my wife. Angry that she broke her promise to me. Angry that she refuses to give up on her quest to feed me sweets. Anger that she treats anyone who is not “blood” as some kind of secondary submissive existence. The more I write, the angrier I become. Anger can be a productive thing, but to an addict it can also be destructive. Anger can lead to hate, and hate eats holes in our already delicate souls. But I am tired of her treatment of my family.

I’m not sure what to do. Maybe it is she that should be metaphorically spanked. Maybe the problem is that we have too long spared the rod and spoiled her inner child. Cookies be damned.

What's Wrong with Fit Jack or Thin Jack?

Many don’t understand what it means to be a fat guy inside, regardless what the outer layer appears to be: skinny or fat. It’s an elusive thing I suppose for a lot of folks. One friend understands it. He called me the other day to say that he knows what it means to relate to an inner BIGness. I am a BIG guy and that is how I related and see myself. It has less to do with my physical size and more to do with my sense of self.

I had a blog comment from someone who has battled with bulimia. She wrote to discuss my blog and introduce me to a program that she thought would help me lose weight. At the end of the post she nicely suggested I change my name to Fit Jack or Thin Jack. Her thinking was that negative energy can consume us and that in order to make change we must change our minds as well as our eating habits. She didn’t say it like that, but I think I am representing her point fairly.

I don’t disagree that our minds are powerful and we must utilize them in order to help us overcome our fears, anxiety and internal struggles. I also agree that negative energy input will reap negative results. That is where our viewpoints split.

FAT JACK is not negative in my mind. I don’t see the moniker as a symbolic reflection of my own poor self-image. I see it quite the opposite, in fact. For me, embracing my BIGness is a part of the healing and self-acceptance. Saying the name out loud allows me to be free from the harsh name-calling. It allows me to take the power of the word “FAT” back from those who would use it against me. It is my word now, you bastards, and I own it. You can call me fat all you want, but you might as well call the sun a big hot object, because all you do is state the obvious. The sky is blue, it’s bad luck to break a mirror, when Momma ain’t happy ain’t nobody happy, and FAT don’t mean a thing anymore.

To that end, I have been thinking about all the nasty names that the world uses to describe the fat community. It sounds odd and self-deprecating to skinny folks -- and to some fat folks too as far as that goes -- for me to make a list of the names that have so long been used to punish big people. But it is cathartic for me, healing in some respect, to do so. As part of accepting myself for who I am I offer you the:

128 NASTY NAMES FOR FAT FOLKS LIST:

• Alabama Swamp Sow
• Aisle Blocker
• Apple Bottom
• Beast
• Beafy Tits
• BIG
• Big Boned
• Big-and-Wide
• Big Foot
• Big Mac
• BMI (Body Mass Index)
• Blob
• Blubber Butt
• Biscuit Butt
• Boulder
• Breast Boy
• Buddha
• Buffet
• Butterball
• Caterpillar
• Chair crusher
• Chef Boyardee
• Chick Tits
• Chubby
• Chunk
• Couch Potato
• Count Fatula
  
• Cow
• Crisco Kid
• Curves
• Dough Boy
• Donut
• Double wide
• Earthmover
• Elephant
• Fat
• Fat Ass
• Fat Fuck
• Fatty-Fatty, Two-by-Four, Can’t Get Through an Open Door
• Fat Bastard
• Fat and Farty
• Fat Slob
• Fatso
• Fat Blob
• Fatty
• Fat Albert
• Flabulous
  
• Free Willy
• Fridge
• Fork Lift (as in it would take a fork lift to move you)
• GDP (Gross Domestic Product)
• Grass Eater
• Grease Trap
• Gross weight
• Heifer
• House Cow
• Hindenburg
• Hippo
• Hipporind Graser
• Hog
• Human Garbage Disposal
• Hungry
• Hungry, Hungry Hippo
• Husky
• Jenny Craig
• Jello
• Jelly Roll
• Jiggles
• Jupiter
• Lane Bryant
• Large
• Lard Ass
• Lard Lad
• Lard-O
• Loin of Beef
• Lord of the Fries
• Love Handles
• Lumpy
• McButter Pants
• McFatterson
• Man Boobs
• Manitee
• Muffin Top
• Obese
• Overweight
• Pear
• Pot Belly
• Pizza Dough
• Pig
• Plus Size
• Porkbeast
• Pork Butt
• Pork Roast
• Pork Loin
• Porky Pig
• Prader-Willi
• Pudgy
• Refrigerator
• Robust
• Rumpapotimus
• Sasquatch
• Slop Gobbler
• Snuffleupagus
• Solid
• Spoon and fork operator
• Sumo
• Sweat Factory
• Sweat Hog
• Slob
• Sir Cumference
• Thunder Thighs
• Titanic
• Triple Chin
• Two Ton
• Ton of Fun
• Tree Trunk
• Tubby
• Tub-of-Lard (Tub-O-Lard)
• Tuba Luba
• Walking Smorgasbord
• Walrus
• Warthog
• Whale
• Weight Watchers
• Wide load
• Vast
• Von Flabbernoodle
• Yetti

It should be understood that many people will mixed and match these words to create new and interesting versions. Also kids will use alliteration to put the persons name in front of one of these names. Following are some examples:

• Slop-gobbling Warthog
• Fatty McButtter Pants
• Mary Manitee
• Hungry, Hungry Harold
• Jennifer Jiggles
• Lard Lad Larry
• Sally Von Flabbernoodle

I am not losing weight so that I can finally be skinny and happy. There are some who feel that way but it is not me. I am losing weight because my weight is affecting my health and in order to live longer, spend years with my family, I have to lose some pounds – a lot of pounds actually. In order to achieve better health, I could stand to lose 100 pounds or more. But the skinny part, that scares me BIG and plenty. I don’t identify with skinniness, but I can learn to be skinny on the outside and BIG on the inside.

The name FAT JACK has more than a ring to it. It’s about understanding that I am at times powerless against my own body. In order to obtain my goals for my body, I must accept that I am not in control of my own bones. There’s nothing wrong with Fit Jack or Thin Jack, except for me it is a label – a self-identity – that is foreign to me. I don’t know who Thin Jack is. It’s not me. Skinny or not, I am the same person. I don’t change just because my size does. It’s not related to my size so much as it is to my soul. I don’t know if it’s that way for everyone, but it is for me. I am FAT JACK and I am happy as Hell to take the name and wear the T-shirt.

(Have some names of your own that I didn't think of, send me a comment or an email and let me know. I'll be glad to add them to the list.)

Two Fig Newtons Is A Serving

I love Nabisco’s Fig Newtons, especially now that they have a 100 percent whole grain version. While they don’t have trans fat and are made from whole grain wheat flour that does not necessarily mean they are healthy is large amounts. Large amounts being the key. Did I tell you that I love them there cookies?

Lately I’ve gotten in the habit of eating several as a snack. When I say several, I don’t mean one or two servings, but rather a half a package. Fig Newtons are sold in packages with two rolls inside. Each roll contains 15 cookies. That’s a total of 30 of the little whole grain devils in all. Somehow, I have slowly increased my portions into devouring a whole roll in one sitting. I’ve justified that because they are whole wheat with no trans fat, which is a ridiculous thought, but that’s how it is.

I found them on sale yesterday, when I went grocery shopping by myself, and I bought eight packages of them. Eight! It’s a bit embarrassing, but in the depths I was thinking that I would be home by myself all next week and I would be able to eat them at will. I should not have done that, because having an excess really increases my justification that I can eat a whole roll in one sitting. My wife figured out my little plan and instantly hid them from me. Now she’s limited me to only 4-5 cookies at a time. She will go get me a serving when I want them. Now that they are hidden, I will have to wait until she gets home to get my fix, which will drive me crazy.

When it comes right down to it, I have to choose between the environment and self-preservation. That is, I cannot really buy a lot of foods in bulk or even in typical packages because it’s just too tempting for me to overeat. Individual packing allows me to eat a small portion, fulfill my desire for whatever it is I want, and not eat half a package of Fig Newtons or whatever else it is that I want. Although if I am not careful, I will sneak two or three of the individual packages at one time, but that is far less likely than just having a whole package sitting around. They do make my Newtons in smaller amounts called packs to go, which work great for me, but they are more expensive and they don’t come in the whole grain version. That’s the way of it these days: healthy food costs so much more than high fat foods.

I wasn’t going to write about the fig fiasco, as I didn’t want to admit I bought eight packages at one time nor did I want to put in writing that I have been eating a half package at once. My blog editor and lovely wife convinced me that it was a good thing to write about. All that journaling and healing business. As I write this, she is gone. She took my daughter out for a couple of hours. I am tempted to hunt the house for the packages of figs. All the writing about them got me to thinking about them. But she counted them and would know if they showed up missing, so I better now. All part of that accountability business. Besides, if she caught me, she’d make me write it up here. I’ll go eat a gala apple instead.