It’s an interesting thing, this weight blog. I’ve had a few surprising telephone calls in the last couple of weeks. Family and friends have called to talk with me. It usually starts out with something like:
or
Something of that nature, anyway. Some have called to talk about my weight issues and offered help. Some have called to share their own stories of weight control or food addictions. Weight is a funny thing. People wish to talk about it, but they are so afraid to hurt the BIG person’s feelings, so they don’t address it. I understand that because weight can be, and often times is, a source of embarrassment for those with BIGness.
The skinny world may find it surprising that the embarrassment may not lie in the size of the person, as is my case. True, many out there are ashamed of the way they look. There are eating disorders centered around a person’s view of him or herself, but that should not be assumed as the case for all living a BIG life. The embarrassment for me is a deeper connection with the addiction itself. It has more to do with the reasons that I over eat and my inability to overcome that physical need to eat and the psychological reasons for the compulsion.
I have never wanted to discuss my weight before as the shame and embarrassment was much too strong for me to bear or to discuss out loud. I haven’t wanted to talk about it with my wife, my friends, my family or most importantly, myself. That is, I haven’t wanted to discuss it in a meaningful, deep, introspective, or powerful way. I have always been comfortable talking about weight on a superficial level. I can joke about weight – mine and others – and I can talk about being fat (or if you prefer: BIG, heavy, husky, solid, large, robust, obese, whatever your preference).
Discussing my eating, and the causes behind it, has been off limits to everyone including myself. It was an unspoken thing and most people, except one of my grandmothers who has no boundaries, have understood. One day that changed. There was no real catalyst or trigger point that I can point to as the defining moment of clarity. In a rare instance, something life changing crept up on me and is still creeping (and creepy for that matter). The time has just come, I guess, for me to explore myself. It isn’t a real exploration of myself so much as it’s a quest to finally choose to drop my facades and become free from my internal shame. The time has come for me to be open with myself, and those close to me. Unfortunately for me, there is no real way to do that without being overwhelmingly candid about me as a person, my life, and my experiences.
I am finding some peace by not confining the discussion – the sharing of the information – with only my small, intimate circles. There is something powerful happening with the sharing myself on a global level. It is very uncomfortable and strange, yet freeing at the same time.
I think part of it is that I am a writer and as such I am used to putting things down on paper; I am comfortable with the sound of the keyboard and the visual characters on the screen. That is a natural place for me to express myself. Writing is not only natural but also compulsive for me in many ways. It would only make sense for me to explore my eating addiction through the written word. I have shared my work before, through my poetry, prose, and newspaper reporting. However, those are either fictional, controlled, or about someone or something else. This journey is different, in that it is autobiographical. Everything I write is about me, my experiences, or my friends and family. People can be hurt; I can be hurt. That makes the sojourn both treacherous and exciting.
I haven’t written in a long time since, basically since I left the newspaper. I have made some feeble attempts, but they were fleeting. My word pool was drained and my desire to write was overridden by my disdain for the media. Now I am at a place where words are flowing and thoughts are bubbling and I can’t seem to contain myself. I am carrying my journal again, which I haven’t done in years. Things are changing and I feel a bit hesitant, but the journey goes on without out me. I’m not sure that I could stop it now even if I choose to.
The blog, the thing that is the blogosphere, has contributed to my change. The blog has acted as a trigger point allowing me to find myself again – find my writer again. So maybe I am wrong when I say that nothing significant has happened to start my rebirth. It has come on slow, but it could very well be that my blog is that which has allowed me to think and feel and breathe and write again.
I am thinking and sharing and talking about my weight, and I’m sharing it with the world, and in essence I am sharing it with myself. I am finding that there are many out there who secretly battle with fat. Like myself, they seem quiet about their weight. This powerful phenomenon of sharing myself using the written word is somehow transferred to others. They feel free to contact me and talk about my weight, their weight and BIGness in general. I am discovering how my weight affects others, how other people view themselves. I didn’t expect that. I’m not sure what I expected, but I didn’t expect the phone calls from others. Quite frankly I didn’t really expect anyone to read the blog, as it’s just about me and not humorous or political.
I’m happy that I am finding a readership that seems to need this information, even if it’s just my friends or family. I didn’t plan the blog to help anyone and wasn’t sure it would help me, but I’m glad it’s doing both. If nothing else, I am glad that it’s opening the door for folks to discuss weight with me – theirs or mine. I am becoming comfortable with sharing my weight problems and food addiction with those who are interested. With each sentence things seem differently. I’m not sure how to describe the feeling, but maybe that will come with time. For now, I will share and open the communications for others to share as well. Maybe we can all help each other. It’s no longer taboo. We’ll just talk and think and see what happens.
You can contact me by leaving comments on the blog, calling me or emailing me. If you’ve always wanted to know about weight, then now’s the time to ask or share your own experiences. For those of you who have contacted me, I have enjoyed speaking with you.
“I’ve been reading your blog,”
or
“Hey, I’ve, um, just finished getting updated on your blog.”
Something of that nature, anyway. Some have called to talk about my weight issues and offered help. Some have called to share their own stories of weight control or food addictions. Weight is a funny thing. People wish to talk about it, but they are so afraid to hurt the BIG person’s feelings, so they don’t address it. I understand that because weight can be, and often times is, a source of embarrassment for those with BIGness.
The skinny world may find it surprising that the embarrassment may not lie in the size of the person, as is my case. True, many out there are ashamed of the way they look. There are eating disorders centered around a person’s view of him or herself, but that should not be assumed as the case for all living a BIG life. The embarrassment for me is a deeper connection with the addiction itself. It has more to do with the reasons that I over eat and my inability to overcome that physical need to eat and the psychological reasons for the compulsion.
I have never wanted to discuss my weight before as the shame and embarrassment was much too strong for me to bear or to discuss out loud. I haven’t wanted to talk about it with my wife, my friends, my family or most importantly, myself. That is, I haven’t wanted to discuss it in a meaningful, deep, introspective, or powerful way. I have always been comfortable talking about weight on a superficial level. I can joke about weight – mine and others – and I can talk about being fat (or if you prefer: BIG, heavy, husky, solid, large, robust, obese, whatever your preference).
Discussing my eating, and the causes behind it, has been off limits to everyone including myself. It was an unspoken thing and most people, except one of my grandmothers who has no boundaries, have understood. One day that changed. There was no real catalyst or trigger point that I can point to as the defining moment of clarity. In a rare instance, something life changing crept up on me and is still creeping (and creepy for that matter). The time has just come, I guess, for me to explore myself. It isn’t a real exploration of myself so much as it’s a quest to finally choose to drop my facades and become free from my internal shame. The time has come for me to be open with myself, and those close to me. Unfortunately for me, there is no real way to do that without being overwhelmingly candid about me as a person, my life, and my experiences.
I am finding some peace by not confining the discussion – the sharing of the information – with only my small, intimate circles. There is something powerful happening with the sharing myself on a global level. It is very uncomfortable and strange, yet freeing at the same time.
I think part of it is that I am a writer and as such I am used to putting things down on paper; I am comfortable with the sound of the keyboard and the visual characters on the screen. That is a natural place for me to express myself. Writing is not only natural but also compulsive for me in many ways. It would only make sense for me to explore my eating addiction through the written word. I have shared my work before, through my poetry, prose, and newspaper reporting. However, those are either fictional, controlled, or about someone or something else. This journey is different, in that it is autobiographical. Everything I write is about me, my experiences, or my friends and family. People can be hurt; I can be hurt. That makes the sojourn both treacherous and exciting.
I haven’t written in a long time since, basically since I left the newspaper. I have made some feeble attempts, but they were fleeting. My word pool was drained and my desire to write was overridden by my disdain for the media. Now I am at a place where words are flowing and thoughts are bubbling and I can’t seem to contain myself. I am carrying my journal again, which I haven’t done in years. Things are changing and I feel a bit hesitant, but the journey goes on without out me. I’m not sure that I could stop it now even if I choose to.
The blog, the thing that is the blogosphere, has contributed to my change. The blog has acted as a trigger point allowing me to find myself again – find my writer again. So maybe I am wrong when I say that nothing significant has happened to start my rebirth. It has come on slow, but it could very well be that my blog is that which has allowed me to think and feel and breathe and write again.
I am thinking and sharing and talking about my weight, and I’m sharing it with the world, and in essence I am sharing it with myself. I am finding that there are many out there who secretly battle with fat. Like myself, they seem quiet about their weight. This powerful phenomenon of sharing myself using the written word is somehow transferred to others. They feel free to contact me and talk about my weight, their weight and BIGness in general. I am discovering how my weight affects others, how other people view themselves. I didn’t expect that. I’m not sure what I expected, but I didn’t expect the phone calls from others. Quite frankly I didn’t really expect anyone to read the blog, as it’s just about me and not humorous or political.
I’m happy that I am finding a readership that seems to need this information, even if it’s just my friends or family. I didn’t plan the blog to help anyone and wasn’t sure it would help me, but I’m glad it’s doing both. If nothing else, I am glad that it’s opening the door for folks to discuss weight with me – theirs or mine. I am becoming comfortable with sharing my weight problems and food addiction with those who are interested. With each sentence things seem differently. I’m not sure how to describe the feeling, but maybe that will come with time. For now, I will share and open the communications for others to share as well. Maybe we can all help each other. It’s no longer taboo. We’ll just talk and think and see what happens.
You can contact me by leaving comments on the blog, calling me or emailing me. If you’ve always wanted to know about weight, then now’s the time to ask or share your own experiences. For those of you who have contacted me, I have enjoyed speaking with you.
2 comments:
Hi Jack, I just found your blog today. You're a good writer and I enjoyed reading it. I want to share my story -- maybe it will help. For 16 years I had bulimia -- uncontrollable cravings and binge eating, depression, locked in fear.
After searching for cures in just about every corner, I ended up at a doctor's office 10 hours away from my home, learning that I have a diseased gall bladder, based on a special test he ran. He believes eating disorders are caused by diseased gall bladders.
Well, that's not surprising since my grandfather and mother had gall bladder issues. Yet, my mother still had digestive and binge eating symptoms after hers was removed. I decided to try something else.
I ended up trying the Body Ecology Diet (a book and eating plan by Donna Gates). The first day I tried it, my digestive pain went away, my cravings subsided and the bulimia ended. I went on to get my Certified Body Ecologist training and learn about all the ways this diet (it's not a calorie diet, it's a healing foods diet -- more a way of eating).
Anyway, I wanted to let you know about it because for the first time in my life, I no longer want to run to the kitchen every 5 minutes. I work at home, right near the kitchen and I am no longer tempted to scour the refrigerator for that elusive thing that will solve my cravings. I no longer desire sugar or processed foods -- it seemed impossible that I could not only be in this place, but also have a "shut off valve," knowing when to stop eating.
I wish you all the best in following inner wisdom along your journey. I'm sure your blog will help a lot of people. Also, while Fat Jack is a catchy name, I wonder about the energy it puts into your mind about yourself. What would it be like to say, Thin Jack or Fit Jack or something that allows you to see and focus on your ideal state? Our minds are so powerful.
With gratitude,
Heather
Thanks for the kind words Heathert.
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