My recent health problems, which turned out to be the gallbladder, have given me pause. I have been thinking about death a lot, while sitting around and wondering what was wrong with me to cause me such pain. It’s made me realize just how delicate our bodies are.
My health isn’t going to get better on its own, and my weight isn’t just going to pour off miraculously. I am a food addict and like any addict I have to take responsibility for my own decisions. Now I have made serious attempts. I joined Jenny Craig and lost 60-70 pounds. I started the Atkins diet and lost weight. I have done the cabbage diet and other fads and I have worked out.
One of my major problems is over eating and not enough exercise. My pain, which went undiagnosed for so many months, also prevented me from exercising. Even with the pain I have been riding my bicycle with my friends on the weekends. Unfortunately it’s just not enough.
My gallbladder surgeon discussed my health at length. Surgeons like to cut; it’s what they do. So I take that into consideration, but he is suggesting that I consider weight loss surgery. He offered me two options: Gastric By-Pass and Lap Band. I have to admit, that I’ve been thinking about this for some time, but I have no pursued it. That is, until he discussed it with me and made the comment that I was a good candidate.
According to the saw-bones, I carry my weight in the middle region. Combine that type of weight with my diabetes and he believes I am a heart attack waiting to happen. He’s right. Diabetes is a degenerative disease; it gets worse with age. So the longer I carry this weight, the great my chances of dying at an early age.
Everyone around me already recognizes this – my family and friends – but I have been reluctant to accept that fact. Over the last few months I’ve been wondering about my health, concerned that something dreadful and fatal was wrong with me. True, there is some relief that it is only the gallbladder, but that doesn’t change the reality that if I do not address my food addiction, then the inevitable bomb will come sooner than later.
There aren’t any real treatments for food addiction that I know of anyway. Maybe there are behavioral psychologists who specialize in food addictions? Maybe there are treatments to help – really help – addicts like myself.
The more I think about the surgery and my health, the more I realize that something needs to be done. But I really don’t know what to do. I know that I am scared of leaving my family alone. I am also scared that I will try – once again – to lose the weight only to gain it right back as I have always done. I am afraid that I am my own worse enemy and that I will foil my own attempts to change. I am scared that I will fail and everyone will know. I am terrified to talk about it for fear of how the skinny folks will shake their heads in confusion. I am afraid to fail and let everyone down, especially my wife and daughter. I am terrified that my family and friends, who love me dearly, will continue to host our social events around food and that I won’t be able to resist the temptation.
In my family, food is love. To feed is to show love. To eat is to accept, appreciate and reciprocate that love. I don’t know if I can take it; I don’t know if I can stand it. I don’t know that I can resist.
I just don’t know what to do or what to feel. I feel guilty for asking my family and friends to change our historical traditions and habits just for me. That’s asking a lot. The more I ask the higher the stakes and the farther the drop if I happen to fail – again. I know that is stinking thinking. I understand the power of positive self-imagery, but I also know that addiction is hard.
Drug addicts get a specialized drug rehabilitation program. People understand drug addiction. There is no specialized food rehabilitation program and most people do not understand the ins and outs of overeating. I don’t know that I understand it either. I know that when you stop drinking, then you quit. With me, I always have to take my drug. Everyday I am forced to eat my drug, but I can only enjoy it in small quantities. I can’t just quit eating like people quit alcohol. There is no such thing for food addicts. We just have to monitor how much of our drug that we consume.
The thoughts and fears consume me and I don’t know what to do, what to say, and what to feel or who to ask. And yet, I can see my own end on the up ahead and I don’t know how to change lanes. I just don’t know what to do. My fat consumes me and my fear overwhelms me. After sharing all of this I feel like eating a Twinky. Can you understand that the Ding-Dong or Pecan Pie would make me safe and content again? That, my friends, is the ugly side of my food addiction.
My health isn’t going to get better on its own, and my weight isn’t just going to pour off miraculously. I am a food addict and like any addict I have to take responsibility for my own decisions. Now I have made serious attempts. I joined Jenny Craig and lost 60-70 pounds. I started the Atkins diet and lost weight. I have done the cabbage diet and other fads and I have worked out.
One of my major problems is over eating and not enough exercise. My pain, which went undiagnosed for so many months, also prevented me from exercising. Even with the pain I have been riding my bicycle with my friends on the weekends. Unfortunately it’s just not enough.
My gallbladder surgeon discussed my health at length. Surgeons like to cut; it’s what they do. So I take that into consideration, but he is suggesting that I consider weight loss surgery. He offered me two options: Gastric By-Pass and Lap Band. I have to admit, that I’ve been thinking about this for some time, but I have no pursued it. That is, until he discussed it with me and made the comment that I was a good candidate.
According to the saw-bones, I carry my weight in the middle region. Combine that type of weight with my diabetes and he believes I am a heart attack waiting to happen. He’s right. Diabetes is a degenerative disease; it gets worse with age. So the longer I carry this weight, the great my chances of dying at an early age.
Everyone around me already recognizes this – my family and friends – but I have been reluctant to accept that fact. Over the last few months I’ve been wondering about my health, concerned that something dreadful and fatal was wrong with me. True, there is some relief that it is only the gallbladder, but that doesn’t change the reality that if I do not address my food addiction, then the inevitable bomb will come sooner than later.
There aren’t any real treatments for food addiction that I know of anyway. Maybe there are behavioral psychologists who specialize in food addictions? Maybe there are treatments to help – really help – addicts like myself.
The more I think about the surgery and my health, the more I realize that something needs to be done. But I really don’t know what to do. I know that I am scared of leaving my family alone. I am also scared that I will try – once again – to lose the weight only to gain it right back as I have always done. I am afraid that I am my own worse enemy and that I will foil my own attempts to change. I am scared that I will fail and everyone will know. I am terrified to talk about it for fear of how the skinny folks will shake their heads in confusion. I am afraid to fail and let everyone down, especially my wife and daughter. I am terrified that my family and friends, who love me dearly, will continue to host our social events around food and that I won’t be able to resist the temptation.
In my family, food is love. To feed is to show love. To eat is to accept, appreciate and reciprocate that love. I don’t know if I can take it; I don’t know if I can stand it. I don’t know that I can resist.
I just don’t know what to do or what to feel. I feel guilty for asking my family and friends to change our historical traditions and habits just for me. That’s asking a lot. The more I ask the higher the stakes and the farther the drop if I happen to fail – again. I know that is stinking thinking. I understand the power of positive self-imagery, but I also know that addiction is hard.
Drug addicts get a specialized drug rehabilitation program. People understand drug addiction. There is no specialized food rehabilitation program and most people do not understand the ins and outs of overeating. I don’t know that I understand it either. I know that when you stop drinking, then you quit. With me, I always have to take my drug. Everyday I am forced to eat my drug, but I can only enjoy it in small quantities. I can’t just quit eating like people quit alcohol. There is no such thing for food addicts. We just have to monitor how much of our drug that we consume.
The thoughts and fears consume me and I don’t know what to do, what to say, and what to feel or who to ask. And yet, I can see my own end on the up ahead and I don’t know how to change lanes. I just don’t know what to do. My fat consumes me and my fear overwhelms me. After sharing all of this I feel like eating a Twinky. Can you understand that the Ding-Dong or Pecan Pie would make me safe and content again? That, my friends, is the ugly side of my food addiction.
2 comments:
Wow! That was amazing openness. I completely understand where you are at. I am not at the same level but I understand the food addiction and how eating equals love and acceptance of love. I understand your apprehension. I believe in you.
Thank you Jack. I think you'll help a lot of people with with your elaboration on the issue of addiction. I second Larry and believe in you because the self realization your post professes.
Post a Comment